


Honey, Honey

by Willshebemina



Category: Assassin's Creed - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Meet-Cute, Rimming, Romance, Sexual Content, This can vaguely be described as a romcom except I'm not that funny so, by which I mean meet-ugly, most of this is t-rated
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-02-28 10:40:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13269729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Willshebemina/pseuds/Willshebemina
Summary: Ezio laughed again and was about to sayNever gonna happen!but only ever got to sayNeverbefore his eyes briefly caught sight of a man walking out of the same cafe he just noticed. He was dressed like a barista, his blonde hair pulled back in a messy ponytail and a kit of crayons in one hand, and he headed directly for the blackboard. Ezio wouldn't normally have paid him a second glance, if not for the fact that the man chose that very moment to look down the street in his direction and that split second was enough for his brain to short circuit, set itself on fire, and leave him with no other thoughts thanHoly shit,andThat's the most beautiful man I've ever seen.





	1. Hit Me Baby One More Time

**Author's Note:**

> me: maybe i shouldn't post this until i have some other chapters ready since i'm p busy and don't know when the next one will be finished
> 
> me to me: you fucking coward. watch this–
> 
> the title is, of course, from ABBA's song Honey, Honey. 
> 
> Fair Warning: i'm not that happy w this bc it's p ooc and just of generally lower quality than some of my previous works. but. it's SOMETHING

 

It was the third week of November. He knew because the world had just finished turning orange and red and was slowly getting greyer as the leaves fell, the cold wind biting at any sliver of skin unfortunate enough to be visible and in the morning when the sun was only just rising, despite it being seven thirty, his breath turned to clouds in the air. There was the warm comfort of his scarf and the pull of his leather gloves when he tried to do something even slightly gymnastic with his fingers.

There was also his phone, which read _Thursday 15th of November_ on the home screen when he unlocked it.

Other than that more obvious sign there was the pumpkin spiced and other festively spiced _everything_ , the premature Christmas decorations that had been there for over a month now and the fact that someone, somewhere was saying “Oh my god it's almost Christmas!”  
Ezio, personally, didn’t really understand the universal excitement surrounding fall (or Autumn, depending on who you ask—he didn’t really care) but he appreciated having a good excuse to get hot chocolate instead of a coffee, without feeling like he was only playing at being an adult. Then there's the fact that his family was Italian and so his standards when it came to coffee makes it impossible to properly enjoy Starbucks or Espresso House.

But the seasonal delight of hot chocolate wasn’t enough to make up for the frosty weather. During the night it had been warm enough that it rained rather than snowed, but by early morning the temperature dipped enough to freeze the rainfall on the ground into frost and ice. It had turned the puddle ridden streets into car accidents only waiting to happen.

There was also Claudia in his ears speaking about Christmas gifts for the rest of the family. Her voice sounded muted despite the fact that he had the volume in his earbuds turned onto max, but the traffic sounds of any large city was relentless. So he did his best to focus on her voice, despite the fact that he thought it was a bit early to be thinking about presents and the like.

For fuck’s sake, they both had other stuff the worry about. The month before the holidays was always merciless, as everyone struggled to finish all kinds of tasks, projects, planning, parties, exams, family drama, social life – and so the list goes on and on. Ezio took a large swig of his hot chocolate only to frown down at his to-go mug in disappointment. It was tepid. It felt like a betrayal.

“— _and I know mamma said she doesn't want anything, but let's be real here it means she's expecting something great to show her that we care_ ,” Claudia said.

“Do we, though?” Ezio asked. “And what if she really meant that and is going to be disappointed in us for not listening to her?”

“ _It's better to have disappointed her by heaving presents over her than by not giving her anything when she really wanted us to_ ,” Claudia explained. Ezio clicked his tongue as he thought about it, but couldn't really do anything but agree.

“What if we get her something from all three of us that's tasteful and on the expensive side? Like a really good perfume, or an art piece maybe. Like a fancy vase. So if she really wanted nothing, there's literally only one thing to be mad about.”

Claudia hummed, which sounded like a buzzing bee through the phone. “ _Possibly. I'll put it on the list_.”

Ezio snorted, draining the last of his chocolate before he spoke. “The list? You have a list of possible gifts, now?”

“ _Of course_ ,” Claudia sniffed. “ _Unlike_ some _people I know, I'm actually responsible and know how to organise properly_.”

Ezio decided to take the high horse and ignore the thinly-veiled barb aimed at him. He smiled, knowing that Claudia couldn't see it but would hear it through his tone of voice – she was scary like that.

“Alright, what does your list say about me?”

“ _It's blank_.”

He laughed. Up ahead on the street, he noticed a blackboard sign for a cafe and briefly considered getting a new cup of hot chocolate, weighing the pros (tasty + warm) and the cons (the very likely sugar rush and subsequent blackout that it would cause).

“I'm touched. No really,” he said when she snorted. “Speaking of which, what do you want for Christmas, sister dear?”

“ _Better brothers_.”

Ezio laughed again and was about to say _Never gonna happen!_ but only ever got to say _Never_ before his eyes briefly caught sight of a man walking out of the same cafe he just noticed. He was dressed like a barista, his blonde hair pulled back in a messy ponytail and a kit of crayons in one hand, and he headed directly for the blackboard. Ezio wouldn't normally have paid him a second glance, if not for the fact that the man chose that very moment to look down the street in his direction and that split second was enough for his brain to short circuit, set itself on fire, and leave him with no other thoughts than

 _Holy shit,_ and _That's the most beautiful man I've ever seen_.

Even though _the-most-beautiful-man-I've-ever-seen_ had his head turned away and was busy writing something new on the sign, Ezio was staring at the back of his head, completely enraptured. Ezio wasn't very religious, but at that moment he silently called out to any and all deities that might or might not exist to make that man turn his head again.

Completely enamoured and unsure if what he'd seen was real or not, Ezio didn't notice the frozen puddle on the street in front of him and his flat soles could do nothing but slide on the slippery surface. With just the _Never_ and a cry of shock and fear, he felt himself slip on the surface. Immediately after that, his empty cup fell out of his hand as he fell backwards. He landed badly on his back and his head cracked against the sidewalk before his world went white.

Next thing he knew, he was laying on his back on something hard. The back of his head hurt, as did the upper half of his back and his teeth. As if that wasn't horrible enough, everything was too fucking _loud_. The traffic couldn't even give him a break when he had been attacked by some unknown object. On top of that there was what sounded like someone screaming nearby.

He groaned, blearily blinking his eyes open to see nothing but grey sky. That, combined with his position being really uncomfortable and the mysterious sticky stain his left elbow was in, made it very clear that he was laying on the sidewalk.

His mouth was slightly open, so he tried to close it only to hiss as the motion caused the pain in his head to flair.

“What the fuck,” he wheezed. Suddenly he recognised the screaming as coming from Claudia. She sounded fearful with her voice high pitched and fast.

“ _Ezio oh my god are you okay what the fuck happened I swear to god if you just got run over by a car or something I will cut your balls off this isn't funny will you fucking answer me you—_ ”

“I'm fine, Claudia,” he croaked.

“ _Oh thank god, what the fuck happened? You almost gave me a heart attack!_ ”

“I slipped and fell, I think.”

Except for Claudia Ezio dimly heard another voice nearby. He slowly reached up to pull one earbud out to easier hear it.

“Hello, can you hear me?” That voice was one he hadn't heard before. He thought he would've remembered it if he had, considering how smooth it sounded. Ezio decided he immediately trusted whoever it belonged to. Wow, he could listen to that voice for hours. It was so calming—like the sound of waves hitting the shore.

Maybe he hit his head harder than he thought.

Ezio turned his head to the side to try and see who talked to him and saw someone get down on their knees in his field of vision.

“Hey, no, turn your head back up.” Owner of mystery-voice put their hand lightly on the side of his head and he obediently looked straight up again and,

Oh my god. _Oh my fucking god._

It was the-most-beautiful-man-I've-ever-seen.

“What's your name?”

He was so much better up close. Ezio wasn't good with poetry but he wanted to write whole verses dedicated to the man’s eyes. Holy shit, he didn't know people could have eyes that blue.  
Then there were the freckles, which Ezio didn't even know he had a thing for until then. His cheekbones, fuck—that jawline… Words couldn't do it justice. This mystery-man was a prime example of _you have to see it to believe it_. So very unfair.

Only after a very long pause spent taking in every detail of the man’s face to commit it to memory, he remembered he'd been asked a question.

“Ezio. Sorry but—uh, what happened?” He really hoped it had been something badass.

“ _Ezio? Ezio, what's happening? What do you mean you fell?_ ”

Knowing full well the fury that would rain down on him later, Ezio reached up again— this time to end the call.

“You slipped and fell on a frozen puddle,” Sexiest-Man-Alive said and, shit. That was pathetic. Had he really been so distracted staring at him earlier that he didn't even see the way in front of him? “Luckily your head didn't take the brunt of it. But it's very possible that you have a concussion.”

He definitely had to make up a better story later. Something heroic, like taking a beating for defending someone’s honour, or protecting a little old lady from some thugs. If anyone knew he got injured by being so distracted by a hot guy he _slipped_ on _ice_ he would be mocked forever. And—oh, no, those were very sexy hands on his face. Very well-cared for nails. _Shit, even his cuticles are nice. What is this?_ Very-attractive-man was flashing the light on his phone right into Ezio’s eye. The sudden light made him curse and the white light made him feel blind.

“Okay, it's nothing to panic about, but you should definitely go to a hospital. Your pupils are doing their job, but I'm not an actual doctor. You should go to the hospital.

That managed to at least pull away some attention from the man’s incredible face. “Is it that bad?”

“You're not going to die, if that's what you mean,” Adonis himself said matter-of-factly. “As I said though: hospital. They actually fully know what they're doing.”

“Huge relief. I like living,” Ezio said, only half-sarcastic. “Am I allowed to move, nurse?”

Human Kendoll smiled ( _swoon_ ). “That depends.”

“I could call my brother to pick me up, since I don't think this was dramatic enough to justify an ambulance.”

“You sure he'll be here soon? I could call a cab for you.”

Ezio considered it for only two seconds. “If it's not too much trouble.”

Handsome-man waved a hand and shook his head. The motion made a stray lock fall in front of his face, which he tucked behind his ear. “No, no, it's no problem. I have my phone right here, anyway.”

“Thanks.”

The other man smiled at him. The sight made Ezio’s stomach twist.

“Alright, can you get up?” The man asked.  
Ezio briefly considered saying he needed mouth-to-mouth first, but he didn’t know the stranger well enough to know if he would laugh or graciously accept.

“Yeah, I’ve had worse,” he said. The other man then held his hand out to help Ezio up, which he accepted gratefully. Getting two feet under him was a trial and a half, but he had no trouble staying upright afterwards, despite the aching in the back of his head and back.

“Thanks, uhm…”

“I’m Leonardo.”

Okay, not fair. Not only was he as pretty as a work of art, his damn name was poetry. Absolutely unfair. What the hell, couldn’t it have been something unattractive like—Bob or Greg or something? Something that didn't make his heart flutter inside his chest like a colibri’s wings. But no, it was Leonardo. Not even Leo, like regular people, but Leonardo and that really shouldn't have been as attractive as it was. Ezio had already literally fallen for him once, at this rate he would drown.

“I'll call the cab, I'll just be a second,” Leonardo said, pulling his phone out. He walked a few steps away to call, holding one ear to try and block out most of the city noise.

Remembering that Claudia existed, Ezio pulled out his own phone with a feeling of trepidation. His screen had blown up with messages, nearly all of them from Claudia.

He had a difficulty reading since his head had started to—almost thud. It felt a bit like someone was beating on the inside of his skull with a rubber hammer. The small words swam in front of his eyes, but he could see that nearly all of them belonged to Claudia.

Ezio then startled as a hand suddenly landed on his shoulder, only to discover that it was the cause of his accident, Leonardo. His brows were furrowed in honest concern, a display that made Ezio’s stomach flip.

“Are you okay? You look pale.”

“I’m fine,” Ezio said, then inwardly cringed at how strangled he sounded. Leonardo pinched his lips, but ultimately nodded.

“Alright, the cab should be here soon. I have to go back to work, but you’re free to come inside while you wait if you want to escape the cold.”

“Thanks,” Ezio smiled and walked after Leonardo into the cafe. The warm air of the shop enveloped him almost like a hug and he sighed in relief. But the smell of coffee made him aware of and worsened his nausea, so while Leonardo walked up to the bar, he found the closest free seat he could and all but collapsed into it. Suddenly exhausted, Ezio closed his eyes. But the infrequent buzzing of his phone refused to leave him alone so he picked it out of his pocket and opened one of Claudia’s messages without looking at it. Not bothering to spell check or even see all she had texted him so far, he did his best to type _sorry I hung up, I’m calling u now but pls don't yell because I have a concussion_ and hit send. Unbeknownst to him, the finished product read _sorbet I hung up, in calling y now but pld don't yell Bethan's I have an concussion_.

But as terrible as that text was, Claudia understood since when she answered his call she did so in a speaking (albeit furious-sounding) tone.

“ _I give you twenty seconds to explain yourself_.”

Ezio swallowed. When he spoke he chose to do so in Italian, just to lower the risk of anyone overhearing.

“I saw an angel and missed that there was a frozen puddle in the street so I fell, hit my head and got a concussion. The person who decided to help me was the same angel responsible for the whole thing in the first place and that's why I hung up. Now I'm waiting for a cab so I can get to the hospital.”

There was a sound on the other line that could only be someone trying to smother their laughter.

“Claudia.”

She took a deep breath. “ _Which hospital?_ ”

“Whichever is nearest.”

“ _Okay, I'll meet you there_.”

Ezio blinked. “You don't even know where I am.”

Claudia sighed. “ _I have you on snapchat. I can see you right now._ ”

Oh, right. His ghost-mode was off.

“ _Just so you know_ ,” Claudia said. “ _When you're out of the hospital and I don't have to worry anymore, I will never let you live this down_.”

Ezio couldn't help but be a little amused by that. “I'd be disappointed if you did.”

Claudia ignored that. “ _I'm going to use it as blackmail until the day I die._ ”

“Not the day I die?”

“ _Don't ask stupid questions._ ”

What? “Wow.”

“ _How are you feeling?_ ”

That transition to her being nice nearly gave him whiplash. “I have a headache, I'm nauseous, tired and in pain.”

“ _Emotional or physical?_ ”

He snorted. “Shut up.”

“ _It's a valid question._ ”

She was – as she was most of the time – right. “A bit of both. Mostly physical, though. I’m sparing the emotional pain until you’re there to make fun of me.”

She laughed. “ _What do you want for christmas?_ ”

“Oh, am I finally on the nice list? And all it took was a traumatic accident.”

“ _And a concussion_.”

“That too,” he said. He paused and bit his lower lip in thought. The seed of an idea formed in his head. “Don’t you know someone who’s opening an art gallery in a few weeks? One of your society friends?”

“Margareta, _yes_.” There was a smidge of suspicion in her voice. “ _Why?_ ”

“If you can get it—only if you can, I’d like two tickets. To it, I mean. The gallery. Opening.” Ezio really felt like going to bed—or lying on any vertical surface, really. Strange, he almost felt energetic and tired all at once.

“ _Oh, no_.”

“What?”

“ _Are you going to ask out the person who unintentionally gave you a concussion? Ezio, you didn’t exactly make a great first impression_.”

He huffed. “That means it can only get better.”

She sighed. “ _Sometimes I feel like I’m actually the oldest sibling in this family and you and Federico are just imposters.”_ He couldn’t help but agree. “ _T_ _hey better be cute._ ”

For the first time since he sat down, Ezio looked up to the bar. Leonardo was behind it, helping a guy with one of the machines. After a second or two they both smiled in triumph and Ezio couldn’t tear his eyes away from the way Leonardo’s smile curved across his face, how it made a sort of glow come up around him. The man had dimples. How dare he.

“Uh.” Ezio cleared his throat. “Well, yeah. Indescribably so, actually.”

Leonardo looked up and met Ezio’s eyes. His grin softened and he raised a hand in a wave. Ezio waved back.

“ _Drama-queen_.”

“Not in this case.” Ezio finally tore his eyes away from the bar and looked out the windows. As if by magic, that was the moment a cab drove up outside. His body protested against moving too much, but he got up all the same and made himself move towards it.

Claudia made a noise of disgust. “ _Fine, I’ll get you the invitations. But don’t blame me when they blow you off, like a sane person would_.”

“If, not when.”

“ _Uh-huh_.” She couldn’t have sounded less impressed if she tried.

Ezio grimaced as the cold air hit him again, but it was soon replaced with the relative warmth of the inside of the taxi.

“Where to?” asked the driver.

“Nearest possible hospital,” Ezio said. The driver turned around to look at him, his heavy brows furrowed.

“You’re not dying, are you?”

Ezio shook his head no. Seemingly satisfied with that, the driver turned back to the wheel and drove off.

“ _Okay, I’m on my way,_ ” Claudia announced.

 

* * *

 

Claudia was a dirty liar.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Ezio asked his brother Federico, who had suddenly materialised in the ER in front of him.

“You look like shit,” his brother said.

“Thanks,” Ezio said wirly.

“No really, you look like seven hard years with no reward. What happened, did your plant die?”

“My succulents are fine, thank you,” Ezio said testily. Federico slumped down next to him with a sigh.

“ _God,_ succulents. You're so hipster.”

Ezio glared at him, but otherwise chose not to answer.

“By the way, are you seriously sure that you no one's gonna file a suit against you, or anything like that?” Federico asked. “I'm guessing this is because of a fight or something.”

Ezio was actually surprised at that. “Claudia didn't tell you?”

Federico rolled his eyes. “I wouldn't have asked otherwise, idiot. She just told me to go be moral support for you, since she couldn't.”

“Why? Where is she?”

“I don't know. She just said it had something to do with mamma, so I didn't ask.” Good call. “Seriously though, what happened? I was worried you'd gotten into an accident or something.

“Your birth was an accident,” Ezio said.

“See, I’d be much more hurt if it wasn't true.” Federico sighed. “At least I know you're fine now, or you wouldn't have so much energy left for you to be a dick.” He paused, then added, “An irresponsible dick.”

“I'm not irresponsible,” Ezio protested. “I'm the most responsible person I know.”

“You're not telling me about how you really got injured because the reason is embarrassing,” Federico said. “And if you don't tell me the truth now I'm going to make up the worst possible scenario and tell it to the rest of the family. _But_ if you tell the truth I'll cover for you,” he smiled.

Ezio narrowed his eyes. “How the hell could you tell?”

“I'm the oldest, idiot. I used to be you, you're pulling all my old tricks.”

Ezio refused to surrender. “I have Claudia on my side.”

“You think that would stop me?” Ezio just looked at him in lieu of response. Federico rolled his eyes. “Fine, you're right. But as your brother, can you please tell me? Seriously, why wouldn't you?”

“Maybe because you tried to blackmail me into telling you before you tried the sibling card,” Ezio said.

“That's...fair, actually. I'm sorry.” Federico paused. “But I really am worried about you, you know. Remember when you were eighteen and an idiot and didn't tell anyone you broke your arm after trying parkour, so it got worse because you didn't go to the hospital? How much more embarrassing could this be?”

“I'm in the hospital right now.”

“That was not my point. My point is that you shouldn't hide stuff from your own family because it ‘might be embarrassing’. How awful could this be, anyway? Can't you trust me?”

Ezio realised that Federico wouldn't let this go. He rubbed his hand to his temple against the furious headache beating there. Exasperated, for once in his life, he gave in.

“You have to promise not to make fun of me or tell anyone else,” Ezio said. “And I mean that. Claudia found out because she was a witness to the whole thing, but I'm telling you because you asked me to trust you.”

Federico put his hands up. “Cross my heart.”

“I saw the most beautiful man I have ever seen in my entire life,” Ezio let out in one breath. Federico's jaw dropped about a centimetre. “I mean it. Not to sound like some one-dimensional girl from a chick-flick but it was love at first sight. I mean, his hair. Oh my god, I could write poetry about his fucking hair. And his eyes, don't get me started on those. He's so beautiful. I wasn't even thinking about sex or anything, I just wanted to full on romance him. Roses, long walks on the beach, kissing in the rain—all of that.

“So there I am, staring at him like he's an angel on Earth, and I slip on a patch of ice and hit my head on the sidewalk.”

Federico looked at him with wide eyes, just for two seconds. Then his chest started to shake as he tried to contain his laughter.

“It's not funny, Fred.”

Federico continued to laugh silently with his fist pressed against his mouth, despite Ezio’s use of ‘fred’. It was bad.

Federico moved on from silent laughter and was then wheezing, his body convulsing like a seal.

“I hate you.”

Federico wipes tears from his eyes. “Oh, man. I—oh, man. I have to see this guy. What did he look like? I want the details, your poetic descriptions, the works. Tell me what the colour of his eyes looked like when he stood in the sun.”

Cerulean. Pure cerulean, like the colour of the sea in all of those ideal beach photos travelling agencies used.

“Vaffankulo,” Ezio said instead.

In true big brother fashion, Federico immediately turned serious. The humour left his eyes and he slapped Ezio on shoulder instead of his head, at least showing some consideration.

“Don't say that!” He scolded, ignoring Ezio’s protests of _I'm already injured, asshole_. “You don't desecrate our family’s language like this! Mamma will cry.”

“Hah! I’ve already disappointed her as much as I can. My nineteenth year was so very exciting.”

Federico sighed and rolled his eyes. “Yes, you slept around and made bad decisions. You're not unique, you just did it earlier than the rest of us. But congratulations, you’ve entered your Disney phase at the tender age of twenty-three to compensate. You're doing our family proud.”

“Like that matters. We both know Claudia will outstage us, anyway.”

Federico threw him a withering glare. “As true as that is,” he said through gritted teeth. “That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to make mamma happy. Do it for mamma.” After a brief pause, he added, “and papà. Of course.”

“Ezio Auditore?” They both looked up to see a woman in scrubs standing in the beginning of a corridor.

“Here,” Ezio said, raising a hand.

“Do you need me to come inside and hold your hand while the mean doctor pokes at you?” Federico asked.

“If you want to, I can't stop you. Just remember that it's the ER so I have no qualms about kicking your ass.”

His brother just laughed, the bastard.

 


	2. Oats?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is! not that great but im doing this thing were if i publish something i can't leave it unfinished. it's been hell so far
> 
> oatmilk tastes nothing like milk and a lot like oats. which is okay if you like oats and is a horse i guess

Ezio had a slight concussion, had been ordered to recuperate at home, with thorough instructions from a doctor with a scary shade of pink lipstick and a permanent frown – and he was miserable.

He was laying on his side on his couch, his eyes closed and a package of ice on the bump on his head. He was tired, nauseous and although the pain meds did work on the brunt of the pain, he still had a headache. All in all, Ezio felt pretty damn sorry for himself. There was the sound of footsteps before something was slammed onto the glass table in front of his couch. The sound made a new wave of pain pulse through his brain like a flare. He groaned, opening his eyes to find Claudia in front of him and a glass of water on the table.

“Drink,” she told him.

“No,” he wanted to say, but it came out as more of a whine.

“I’ll tell mamma.”

Ezio reluctantly sat up, casting her a withering glare. She just tut-ed. As much as he disliked proving her right, since she was right most of the time, the cold water was a relief and he had soon drained the glass.

“What did you tell her?” He asked.

“The truth.” At Ezio’s loom of panic, she continued with, “That you slipped on a patch of ice while you were talking to me on the phone. All true.”

Ezio looked at her through narrow eyes. “All out of the goodness of your heart, huh?” She just smiled. “Of course.”

“It goes well into my potential blackmail folder.” Ezio didn't doubt the existence of such a folder for a minute. “But I don't actually think you've got that much to be ashamed of in this case,” Claudia said. “I mean, if this mystery person ends up saying yes, you've got a really cute story about how you met. You literally fell for them.”

She had a point (as always), but he still couldn't help but feel embarrassed of the fact that he of all people would make himself into such a fool just because he thought someone was handsome. He wasn't exactly inexperienced, to put it politely. He’d had people walking in on him during sex before and that hadn't made him as flustered as just looking at this one guy had. That's what was bothering him. The fact that someone’s face had been too much for him. If he was ever lucky enough to see Leonardo naked, he would spontaneously combust.

“Then let's hope he says yes.” A pause. “Also, I still haven't forgiven you for sending Federico. He _knows_.”

“You can't blame me for that,” Claudia said. “I really couldn't come, or I would have. I honestly thought you would be able to keep it from him.”

“I have a concussion,” Ezio snapped. “Have you tried lying with a concussion before?”

“I've never had a concussion, because I'm not an idiot who gets so distracted by pretty people that I forget how to walk.”

Ezio grumbled instead of trying to think of a snappy reply.

“I hope you'll act more mature when you ask out Prince Charming.”

Ezio grumbled some more.

 

* * *

 

It took him a week and a half to show his face at the café, his concussion long gone. Said café turned out to be the only café in the city to serve solely vegan and vegetarian food and drink, unlike other places that only had vegan options. That was… not something Ezio had really wanted to try before, but he was willing to widen his horizons a bit.

Though there were customers inside, they were all seated and either talking with whoever they sat with, or were completely absorbed by their laptop. There was no queue by the bar and the only person standing behind it was a calm, almost bored, looking girl wiping down the already pristine machine. She was probably only acting as if she was busy, Ezio guessed.

He was less, but also _more_ nervous by the absence of Leonardo—however that was possible.

The girl visibly perked up at the sight of someone approaching the register and she immediately abandoned the towel and put on her most customer friendly smile.

“Hi! How may I help you?”

“Hello,” Ezio smiled. “Is Leonardo here today?”

The girl’s – Anna, going by her name tag – smile dropped just a fraction. Her voice held a hint of suspicion when next she spoke, “Why do you ask?”

“Well, ah, he really helped me out the other week and I really wanted to thank him. I hate to bother him at work, but I only know his first name and that he works here, so there wasn't really any other way.”

Anna looked a smidge more forgiving at that. “He's here,” she said. “I can go get him for you—what's your name?”

“Ezio.”

“Oh, cool name. Was there anything else?”

Well, since he was there he might as well try. “A medium hot chocolate, please.”

“What type of milk would you like?”

“What?”

“Oats or soy?”

 _Oats? You could make milk from oats?_  
“Oats, please.” That was too new not to try. 

Another question, this time about his preferred type of chocolate, whether he wanted it to go or not (yes, please) and a (expensive) payment later, Anna proceeded to the machine where she did–  
Whatever one does with that kind of machine and while it started to whirr, she walked off through the door into the kitchen area in the room behind the bar.

Less than a minute later, she came back with Leonardo. He greeted Ezio with a wide smile and, inexplicably nervous (Ezio was usually better than this), Ezio did his best to match. Since Leonardo didn't react, it probably didn't look too much like a grimace.

“Hi,” Leonardo said. “I didn't expect to see you here again. How are you?”

“Fully recovered, so thankfully not dead yet. Sorry I haven't stopped by earlier, but I didn't want to bother you at work like this,” Ezio said apologetically. His shoulders ached because of the tension in them. “But I couldn't find any other way to contact you since I only know your first name.”

Leonardo shifted his stance a bit, leaning his weight on his right leg. He looked puzzled. “It's fine, considering your great timing. Had there been a rush I might have been less forgiving. But why did you want to see me?”

“To thank you, of course. I mean, for being a good samaritan and all.”

Leonardo’s eyes softened and the tension in Ezio’s body eased. “You don't have to thank me,” he said. “I just did what anyone would've done.”

“A lot of people saw me fall, but only you helped,” Ezio pointed out. Leonardo let out a soft laugh.

“True enough, I suppose.”

“I really am glad, though,” Ezio continued. “For you pointing out that I had a concussion, especially. I wouldn't've gone to the hospital so soon otherwise. Usually whenever I get injured, I ignore or shrug it off.”

“Well,” Leonardo worried his lower lip, thinking about what to say next, “you're welcome. I'm just glad I helped.”

The smile Ezio got then was enough for heat to rise in his cheeks; he nodded, hoping it didn't show as a blush.

“By the way, are you free Saturday night?” Ezio asked.

“This Saturday?”

“Yeah.”

Leonardo’s face fell. “I'm sorry, but I already have plans.”

The tension in his shoulders were back in full force. “No problem, I get it,” Ezio said. “I hope you have a good time.” He was about to move when Leonardo continued with, “But—I'm free on Sunday.”

Ezio almost choked on air.

 

* * *

 

**Claudia**

10:22

Prince Charming said yes

But not to Saturday, so sorry  
about the tickets

Congratulations, I'm  
actually surprised

But you're still going

Why

Mamma and papà didn't  
like me going without  
supervision

So I told them you were  
coming too

Will there be champagne

Definitely

Nobody would show  
up if there wasn't  
free booze there

Alright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i KNOW ezio is ooc but really the whole modern au + him being head over heels for leonardo already is enough to throw him off his game completely. he'll get more confident and is usually much better at being charming, i promise. nothing in this can be described as one of his finer moments


	3. voulez-vous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Je veux te nide sur ça table ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tfw when your crush is at a party and your first instinct is to check your hair
> 
> i am SO sorry that this is late but i actually looked up the lyrics for "honey, honey" by ABBA and found out that there's a line saying "you're a dog-gone beast" and the embarassement made me try to forget that i titled a fic after that song. but i've moved onto acceptance so here you go
> 
> also i cannot write character introspection for my life so please skip any paragraph of me attempting to do so

Ezio had free champagne, but God, at what cost? If this was the best Claudia’s artist friend had to offer, he didn't want to see the rest. Her art couldn't really be classified under one specific genre – it was just… Strange. Modern and postmodern in places, others surrealistic, none of them very original and those that were weren't even good; all of them _meh._

 

“Is this her job?” He asked her sister. “As in, she gets paid for this?”

 

“Her family is rich,” Claudia sighed. “Like ours. So she could afford events that are grand enough to attract people who actually _do_ like her art. And, of course, those who want to cosy up to her and by extension her family, by buying one of these–” Claudia made a vague hand gesture towards the nearest painting, “ _things._ ” She shrugged. “Some people just have no taste.”

 

Ezio opened his mouth, closed it again, then said, “I thought you were friends?”

 

Claudia smiled. “Of course.” She looked across the room and her eyes widened in delight. “Oh, she came!” She waved her hand and Ezio saw one of the girls across the room wave back. Both girls smiled at the same time, and just as wide. The other girl was blonde and dressed in blue, but not a friend of Claudia's he had met before. She looked a few years younger than Claudia, her face still round like all teenagers’ were. She could only be, what, eighteen at the most?

 

Claudia and her friend hugged briefly before separating. The blonde looked Ezio over and held out her hand for him to take.

 

“Ezio, right? Claudia’s told me about you! I'm Lovisa.”

 

“Good to meet you, Lovisa _._ Are you enjoying the gallery?”

 

“The hors d’œuvres are fantastic,” she said tactfully. Claudia laughed.

 

“It's alright, the art is shit, you can say it,” she said and her friend sighed in relief.

 

“Thank god, I thought I was the only one.”

 

“It's a lot like _the Emperor’s New Clothes_ ,” Ezio said. “Everybody says it's amazing because they think it's supposed to be.” Lovisa tittered. Ezio was taken aback by how high pitched her voice suddenly was. Then he saw her subtly bite her lower lip and look him up and down and—oh no. Oh no. This teenager was flirting with him. Time to make a dignified exit.

 

“Well, I’ll leave you two to catch up in peace,” he said. Lovisa’s face fell. Ezio looked to Claudia. “But don't leave without telling me, you hear?”

 

She rolled her eyes. “Yes, mother.”

 

“You're _lucky_ I'm not our mother.”

 

* * *

 

 

Ezio was on his second glass of champagne and third prosciutto roll (Lovisa was right), standing off to the side of the crowd. He was sweeping his eyes across the many faces, on the look for someone, anyone he recognised to make the night pass by just a little bit quicker. Then he could go home, to wake up the next day and he’d go on a date with the most beautiful person that ever lived.

 

Brunch. With _mimosas_. And avocado on toast. Vegan toast. Everything the modern not-straight man could want.

 

Ezio had that date in a bag.

 

He looked over the groups one more time, resigned to having to either make small talk with strangers or go back to Claudia. One of the larger groups broke out into laughter around one of the men in the centre. He wore a finely cut suit, but Ezio couldn’t tell the brand from the distance. He was blonde, like many others in the room, but his was longer than the other mens’, reaching right past his shoulders. It looked so similar to Leonardo’s that Ezio quickly took a gulp of champagne just to shake it off.

 

Only to accidentally inhale it when the man turned around and turned out to _be_ Leonardo. He coughed to try to get his breathing right again and his eyes teared up. Damnit. Damnit, shit, where was the bathroom?

 

Luckily quite close to him, it turned out. Ezio headed there quickly and went into the first free bathroom he could find so he could cough his lungs up in peace. After, he used the surprisingly not uncomfortable paper towels to dry the tears off. He looked at himself in the mirror, absentmindedly fixing his shirt and hair while trying to think up a plan.

 

Step one was the easiest: say hi to Leonardo. Next step, don't let it be awkward. Step two depended entirely on how nervous he was or whatever he would be interrupting when he said hi.

Step three, make a dignified exit from the group, hopefully with Leonardo in tow. Step four, do everything in his power to make Leonardo smile.

 

Bulletproof.

 

Ezio put his head in his hands and breathed. It wasn't that he wasn't ready, or even that he was _nervous_ , per say. What threw him off about seeing — oh, fine, his _crush_ — there was that he had been preparing to see him the day after. He had thought of what he'd say, what he'd do, what he'd look like, he had it _planned._ Now he had to wing it.

 

Not that winging it was a problem… Usually. Few where the times were Ezio had actually been interested in pursuing a honest-to-God relationship with someone. He was only twenty-three, it wasn't like he had to do that yet.

 

But Leonardo (whose last name he still didn't know!) was just — different.

 

 _Fuck me_ , Ezio thought, then took a last check at his hair, and entered the rest of the world again.

 

The Leonardo there was a far cry from the dishevelled, busy, chalk-stained cafe worker he had seen him as previously. His dark blue suit was finely cut enough to rival Ezio’s, which said a lot considering the fact that Ezio prided himself on designing nothing but the best for himself. Leonardo’s not-quite beard was now gone, showing off a bone structure that would make a sculptor weep. He had let his hair down and it fell, soft and brushed, to frame his face. Ezio saw him turn his head to the person next to him and noticed the way it honest to god shimmered in the light. He was a walking, talking fusion of a L’Oréal Paris commercial and a Dressman ad.

 

_Fuck me._

 

Ezio found himself actually missing the messy every day Leonardo. Or at least the fact that he wasn't quite so _intimidating_ when his shirt had coffee stains on it.

 

He had almost reached the group and went over step one again in his head. Saying hi was simple enough, but was that the best option? Maybe he should go for something witty instead. But no, it was better to be genuinely polite. No, wait, that would make him look aloof. He should try to be familiar. But that wouldn't work either; they didn't actually know each other yet. Except Leonardo had already agreed to a first date after seeing Ezio at his most concussed, so maybe it _could_ work. Or should he opt for a pick-up line? One of his better ones, charming not sleazy. Except that would be awkward since Leonardo wasn't alone. Or maybe he should be himself? _But who am I, really?_ Fuck, he was too sober to think that and _damnit, too late—_

 

“Hey,” Ezio said, just an arm's length from Leonardo. The rest of the people turned around to look at the newcomer, Leonardo being one of them. Whatever conversation he'd been having trailed off and he widened his smile in surprise.

 

Step one was, technically, a success.

 

“Ezio!” Leonardo said. “I didn't expect to see you here.”

 

“I could say the same,” Ezio replied. Step two was making progress. “Funnily enough, this was what I had in mind when I asked you if you were free.”

 

It took a flash of a second for Leonardo to get what he meant, but when he did his eyes brightened and he laughed. “And here we both are, the surprise making it that much better.”

 

 _Stop being so handsome and earnest, you wonderful bastard._ “Life has a way of working things out.”

 

Leonardo nodded. “That it does.” A woman to his left cleared her throat. “But, please excuse my rudeness—let me introduce you to the others,” he said.

He used his hand to gesture towards each and everyone as he spoke their name. “Everyone, this is Ezio Auditore.” Ezio stilled. When had he told him his last name? “Here are Birgitta, Elin, Matthias, Jonna, Ahmed and—”

 

“Margareta,” the last woman cut in. She tall and spindly thin, with her nearly white blonde hair pulled back in a severe ponytail. Some of the others gave her the side eye when she cut Leonardo off, but she didn't seem to notice, opting to stick her hand out toward Ezio. He shook her hand purely on instinct and hid a wince when her grip turned out to be as strong as a pair of pliers. 

 

“I've heard  _ so  _ much about you,” she said. 

 

“Oh?” Ezio smiled politely, cocking a brow. 

 

“Not sure about how much of it’s true though, since it's all from Claudia.”

 

“Well, then whatever you've heard: lies, all of it.” 

 

Margareta laughed too loud at that and annoyingly high pitched. It would likely have been endearing at any other time but as it was, he only saw her as someone keeping him from talking to Leonardo. Oh, shit, that really wasn't fair to her. 

 

“Are you enjoying the gallery so far?” Leonardo asked Ezio, bringing the focus back to them to Ezio’s relief.  _ I could kiss you _ , he thought.  _ And not just because you're pretty.  _

 

“The champagne’s great, the people are fantastic and the hors d’œuvres are to die for,” he said. “So I'd say I am.”

 

“I think he meant the art,” Margareta said. Birgitta and Elin both visibly rolled their eyes. They were both in Ezio’s good graces. Matthias just nodded with Margareta. So he could  _ choke.  _

 

Maybe that was a bit aggressive, but at least he didn't act on it. 

 

“ _ He  _ meant it in general, but yes, the art was included,” Leonardo said, taking a sip of his champagne. Ahmed – who up to this point hadn't really taken a side – looked like his favourite show just came on. 

 

“To be honest,” Ezio began, “it's not my favourite. It's not bad, per se—” it was so bad, “—but it's just not my style.” Margareta’s eyes were thunderous, even though the rest of her face was steel, devoid of movement. “I'm more into realism,” Ezio elaborated, lying again, just to keep the peace. “Photography, among other things.”

 

“Quite,” Margareta huffed with only a bit of forced humour. He was pretty sure he could see a vein ticking in her forehead. Then it clicked. 

 

Young girl, friends with Claudia, reacts badly to critique… Because she's used to yes men. Because she's Claudia’s artist friend, the one whose gallery they're currently standing in. 

 

What a bitch of an embarrassing situation he’d gotten himself in to. He was too tired to try to salvage the situation, even if it further cemented Leonardo’s view of him as awkward (the concussion was, as previously stated, not one of his finer moments). Step two: don't make it awkward, had crashed. He only had one option left.  _ Escape.  _

 

“Hey, Leonardo, your glass is empty. I'll go refill it for you,” he said quickly, grabbing Leonardo’s still half full flute. 

 

“You don't have to—”

 

But he was already on the move and only heard one of the men – Ahmed, Ezio guessed – lost it and snorted out a laugh. Anything else was lost to the sound of the ground and the subdued classical music playing in the background.

 

He quickly manoeuvred his way to the buffet table and downed first his own flute, then Leonardo’s. Setting them down, he picked up two fresh flutes. He turned around and nearly walked into Leonardo’s chest. Leonardo took one of the flutes without as much as a how-do-you-do and without breaking their accidental eye contact. 

 

“Don't let her intimidate you,” he told him. “She likes to look scary, but she's ultimately harmless.”

 

“Thanks,” Ezio said. The corner of his mouth twitched. “You didn't seem to be on the best of terms.”

 

Leonardo made a non-committed noise. “One on one, she can actually be quite nice. But like this, in a group, at the opening night of her gallery…” He sighed. “There's too much on the line. She has to be the centre of attention, everyone else be damned.”

 

Ezio nodded. “She's not alone there. I dare anyone to find a room of young socialites where there isn't at least one with an inferiority complex.”

 

Leonardo snorted. “No, thank you.”

 

“By the way,” Ezio began, “when did I tell you my last name?”

 

Leonardo raised his brows and took a sip of his champagne. “You didn't.”

 

He could practically sense a cold sweat coming over him. “So, are you a stalker, or have I met you before?” Honestly, he didn't know which answer was worse. 

 

“Neither,” was the response. Ezio barely managed not to sag with relief.  “We were at the same fashion show last winter. A friend of mine pointed you out.”

Ezio remembered that. Of course he did, that’s when he had first debuted as a designer. “I suppose I could have made a worse first impression. You should’ve said hi.”

Leonardo smiled wryly. “Thanks, but I thought you had your hands full with that lovely redhead on your arm.”

( _ Ah,  _ Tonja. He remembered her, too.) 

Maybe it was the alcohol that was only just buzzing in his veins, maybe it was the heat of the crowd, or the way one stubborn strand of gold fell in front of Leonardo’s bright blue eyes, or the way he could make an expensive, tailored suit look casual just by the way he was standing, or maybe because that concussion had knocked a few screws loose in his head, but Ezio felt like taking a risk. 

“You could’ve joined in.”

His stomach immediately clenched and twisted into knots inside of him, but it paid off as Leonardo looked positively  _ smug.  _

“Do you want to show me what I missed?”

Ezio almost purred. “Yes,  _ please.  _ My place or yours?”

“Yours. Are you ready now?” He worried his lower lip between his teeth and Ezio thought that, yes, he was. He would’ve been, even if he actually had somewhere else to be.

Ezio finished his flute in one go (–again, this was starting to become a habit). Leonardo raised a brow, but followed suit. Oh, no, that shouldn’t be attractive at all.

“Lead the way,” he said.

Ezio could only be walking quicker if he was running. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ezio is hereby nominated for the most neglectful brother of the year award
> 
> this is just a heads up but i didn't set this modern au in usa bc a) i'm not from there b)i've never been there c)it's kinda silly how "modern au" automatically translates to "modern america au" for some but i guess it's cos it's easier for americans to write stuff set in their homeland. long story short i set this story in sweden but it affects basically nothing except for locale, weather and some social norms (for example: calling everyone by their first name even if that person is an authority figure or someone you just met. last names are for politicians or for the fourth girl in the room named Elin)


	4. "it's getting hot in here, so take off all your cl- is that a tattoo???"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breaking news: virgin lesbian writer is in way over her head, chooses to write a rimming scene for her first proper smut. More news at eleven.
> 
> I seriously had to google how m/m sex works in detail rip in peace me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AO 3, you just missed the CRAZIEST OF CRAZIES! School, work, recitals, debates, lesbophobia, MOM?? Argument, new trauma, fleeing the scene, hiding in my friend’s house, coming here and crashing on your site for a week cos TECHNICALLY I’M HOMELESS~  
> Jk. I do have a home. The rest is true though.  
> Sorry guys, but just when I thought ‘oh gee whiz I've got me some time to write’ life dropped a bag of bricks on my head and to top it all off I thought it would be a GREAT idea to try and write porn for the first time since I was 13 and my friend promised me a crispy chicken ‘n’ bacon from max in exchange for some short erotica. Idk if that breaks any laws or anything, all I know is that max’s crispy chicken ‘n’ bacon is the only genuinely good chain restaurant hamburger I've ever had and I regret nothing. Except the fact that I haven't written porn since bc I’m not a porn person. P interesting that my 13 y/o friend was tho and by interesting I mean Where in the Goddamn were our Parents?? 
> 
> Mind the changed rating! There will be a pretty long sex scene in this chapter, so as soon as clothes come off and you're not interested in that (or below 17 y/o), you can stop reading there. If not, commence the eating of ass

They were standing outside the locale, the cold seeping right through their thin, very handsome but not made for weather this cold coats. Every breath formed a cloud in the air and Ezio buried his nose in his scarf to protect his already cold nose. Leonardo had offered to call a cab and Ezio had smiled, a flash of dejà vu of The Fall coming over him. But no sooner had Leonardo hung up than Ezio’s own phone had started to buzz.

 

“Sorry, I have to take this,” Ezio told Leonardo. “It's my little sister.”

 

A smile. “No problem.”

 

Ezio smiled back and swiped to answer. “Hello.”

 

Claudia wasted no time on greetings. _“Please explain why I just saw you leave with male model I somehow do not recognise,”_ his sister said. _“And_ please _tell me you're not about to break your promise to me and abandon me here just so you can get a shag from some guy who definitely doesn't know that you have a_ date _tomorrow! Because in case you forget,_ you have a date tomorrow _and this is low even for you.”_

 

Ezio held his phone down. “My sister thinks you're a model,” he told Leonardo.

 

“That's nice of her. Tell her thank you from me.”

 

“I will,” he held his phone back up. “He says thank you for calling him a model.”

 

 _“Don't play games with me, puttana!”_ Now that was a step too far – occasionally having sex with strangers did not make him a whore. It might've been the alcohol talking, but he didn't feel like explaining himself to her at that particular moment in time. Or, considering how difficult it was to get drunk from just champagne, maybe it was because the flush of cold on Leonardo’s skin made him look especially edible, warm and inviting. One of the two.

 

“You'll be fine, I believe in you. Don't drink too much, stay with your friend and don't go home with strangers.”

 

_“You fucking hypocrite. I am going to castrate you with a m—”_

 

“And that's enough of that, I think.” He hung up and put his phone back in his pocket, sound off. Leonardo was looking at him from under furrowed brows, but the corners of his lips twitched upwards. “How much did you hear?” Ezio asked.

 

“Enough to know that she's angry and you're a whore.” That was most definitely amusement curled into his voice.

 

“Right on both accounts,” Ezio grinned. “Speaking of something entirely different, are we still on for tomorrow.”

 

“Sure,” Leonardo said. “Unless you’re _really_ bad at sex.”

 

Ezio snorted. “So I'll take that as a yes. Are you vegan? I mean, I know you work at a vegan cafe, but I don’t want to assume.”

 

“I'm vegetarian, actually. Why do you ask?”

 

“Because I had _very good plans_ on how to properly wine and dine you before we did this. Or mimosa and brunch you. That's out of the window now, I guess, but that doesn't matter. It's just—,” he struggled with how to properly explain himself, “If we're gonna wake up in the same bed it’s a bit unnecessary to go to a restaurant for brunch.”

 

Leonardo put a hand in front of his mouth, eyes crinkled. “First, you're adorable, I don't get where this mysterious playboy rumour is coming from.”

 

“Wha–,” Leonardo cut him off with a finger against his lips. “Hush, that's a good thing. I promise. Secondly, please arrive at your point sometime soon.”

 

Ezio gripped Leonardo's wrist and pulled it away from his mouth, kissing his knuckles. Leonardo only raised a brow in response. “I need to get some avocados and oranges.”

 

Leonardo blinked once, twice, before he slowly pulled back his hand and folded his arms across his chest. “Go on.”

 

“So… I'm wondering if we could stop by a grocery store on the way to my flat.”

 

Leonardo narrowed his eyes slightly. “Are you asking me to go grocery shopping with you? Before we've even had one date?”

 

“Yes?”

 

Leonardo visibly struggled not to smile. “Your reputation does not do you justice.” Going by his voice, that wasn't a bad thing. “Do you do this with all the girls?”

 

Ezio shook his head no. “Just the boys.”

 

Leonardo let his arms fall only to put a palm to his chest. “I feel special.”

 

Ezio laughed and said, “You are,” and tried not to let it show just how much he meant it.

 

“In that case,” Leonardo took Ezio’s hand in his own, much colder hand, “I would be honoured to go to a small grocery store with you. But here's my suggestion: we go to your flat now, have nice sex while I'm still pleasantly buzzed and awake enough for it, then I'll go with you first thing tomorrow morning.”

 

Ezio saw that he did make a good point. “I think you're a genius.” He tried not to let his heart jump out of his chest at such a simple thing as _holding hands._ On top of that, his face grew warm from a sudden, almost forceful blush. What was he, twelve? It wasn't a schoolyard crush, he should have better self control. “You're right, I have a certificate and everything,” Leonardo joked (?). Then Ezio saw him stretch forward his other, also incredibly cold hand to take Ezio’s other one.

 

“You're just using me for my body warmth, aren't you,” he said.

 

“You're like a human radiator,” Leonardo said. _How romantic._ Ezio sighed, put out, before taking his hands back. Before Leonardo could protest he unwound his scarf from around his neck and put it around Leonardo, who looked confused but didn't stop him. Cold wind blew straight under Ezio’s collar and over his skin. As biting as it was, he could handle it; Leonardo obviously needed it more.

 

He wrapped it a final round around Leonardo and secured the ends so it wouldn't fly open at the first gust of wind. The extra warmth must've worked fast, because Leonardo flushed even redder. “Thank you,” he said. His voice was slightly muffled, as he said it with the cloth tugged up over his mouth.

 

“Not that I don't like holding your hand,” Ezio said, pointedly taking back Leonardo’s left hand, “But I don't want you to get a cold, either.”

 

“God, Ezio, I already want to have sex with you, you don't have to keep on seducing me.”

 

“Being nice means I'm seducing you?”

 

“Yes. Or at least it does if you look like you want to _eat me_ when you do it.”

 

Did he really do that? “Do I really?”

 

Leonardo squeezed his hand. “Yes. But in this case I don't mind, I'm not in the mood for subtlety.”

 

Good, because neither was he. “What are you in the mood for?”

 

Leonardo looked him up and down—slowly, pulling back his lower lip by his teeth. “I could eat.”

 

Ezio felt far, far too warm for someone standing in -3° weather. He opted to grin and weak since he didn't trust himself to speak without his voice breaking, taking a step closer into Leonardo’s space. Like this, almost nose to nose, Ezio realised that they were the same height. It would take no effort for him at all to tilt his head and kiss him. Looking up at Leonardo, at the look he was giving him, it seemed like the other man had noticed the same thing. But then he look up and behind Ezio.

 

“Our cab’s here.” There was no inflection in his voice. Ezio hoped he was as disappointed as he was to be interrupted and thrust into the surrounding world again.

 

Ezio turned to see that their cab was, indeed, there. He sighed. “Do you think I could bribe the driver to let us make out in the backseat?” He asked Leonardo, only half joking.

 

Leonardo wrinkled his nose. “Redundant question, because I make a point to never snog in cars,” he said, moving towards the taxi.

 

Ezio hoped there was a story behind that. “Why’s that?”

 

“Well it's not fair to the poor cabby, is it? Imagine having to sit in a car for an entire day, bored out of your mind, then these two freaks come along and force you to listen to them snogging while you're just trying to concentrate on the road. You can't even join in!” The genuine look of what he could only describe as _Justice For Cabbies_ ! on Leonardo’s face was enough to make Ezio burst out laughing. His urge to jump Leonardo's bones then and there had lessened, but his crush had _not._

 

“Alright, I see your point. I'll just have to manage the impossible and keep my hands off you for the entire fifteen minutes it will take to get inside my flat,” Ezio said.

 

“How difficult that must be for you,” Leonardo said wryly. “You're so brave.”

 

No, it was just Leonardo himself who was irresistible. “And it's not difficult for you? I'm hurt. Really.”

 

“I’m so sorry, how can I ever make it up to you.” Leonardo’s voice then could only be properly described as _snotty._

 

Ezio tapped his chin with a finger, thinking. “How flexible are you?”

 

* * *

 

As Ezio fumbled with his keys, he mentally went through his checklist of unexpected sex essentials. He'd cleaned his bathroom just two days ago, so that should be alright. Lube and condoms, check (of course). He didn't have dirty laundry on the floor, but clean laundry not yet sorted into the closet was another question. He had showered but not douched, but that wouldn't be an issue unless Leonardo was a really adamant top, which– Ezio took a quick look at Leonardo’s french manicured nails in his periphery– was doubtful.

 

This would work out alright.

 

“Welcome in,” Ezio said as he turned the doorknob, holding the door open for Leonardo. The man inclined his head in thanks and headed in, Ezio tight on his heels, shutting the door behind them.

 

“I have to say,” Leonardo began, “I was expecting something much more ostentatious. Definitely something bright but… This is surprisingly modest.”

 

 _Modest_ really depended on one’s point of view, since Ezio’s flat was still considered quite modern. Most of his furniture had also been very carefully chosen according to both trends and what was timeless. Ezio could hardly call himself an aspiring designer if he couldn't even put some thought into his home.

 

“I take that as a compliment,” he said.

 

“You should.”

 

“I'll give you a tour of it all later; right now, I'm only interested in showing you my bedroom.”

 

Leonardo wrinkled his nose. “That's an awful line.”

 

“It's not a line, it's a fact,” Ezio argued. Leonardo laughed softly, shaking his head. He shrugged his coat off and unwound Ezio's scarf from his neck.

 

“You're lucky you're pretty,” he told him.

 

Ezio followed suit and started undressing as well. “So I've been told.”

 

“That really didn't help your ego, did it?”

 

Ezio huffed a laugh. “As much as it would help yours if I told you exactly how handsome you are.”

 

“How handsome is that?” Their shoes were off, as were their coats and one shared scarf. Ezio took advantage of this to step right back into Leonardo’s space and slid his hand over his chest and behind his neck.

 

“I've never been much good with words,” he admitted. “How about I show you, instead?”

 

“I agree on both points,” Leonardo said, his voice low as he put his hand on the small of Ezio’s back.

 

“Great,” Ezio said. “Wait— _hey!_ ” Leonardo snorted at the offence in his voice.

 

“I'm just teasing,” he said. He pushed the hand on Ezio’s back so that they stood pressed together, their chests flush and their noses almost touching. They both had to tilt their heads back ever so slightly, so as not to push their noses together uncomfortably, like teenagers snogging for the first time. _Less teasing and more action, please,_ Ezio thought. But instead of saying it, he took the first last step and kissed Leonardo.

 

His thoughts then weren't really thought at all. He felt, rather, surprise and giddiness and attraction and disbelief and wonder flit through his mind at the speed of a bullet train, too quickly for most of it to stick. What did stick was the _want_ ; the want that had been glowing under the surface since he first saw Leonardo outside of that cafe and which was now taking him over entirely. It made it impossible to focus on anything except the man in front of him, who had wound his arms around his back and was _kissing him back._

 

Ezio’s first real comprehensible line of thought was that he could still taste the champagne and the unnecessarily elaborate hors d’œuvres they'd had before and he wondered if Leonardo could taste the same. He wondered how much of the buzzing in his veins was because of the alcohol and how much was the aforementioned want driving him on. Ezio reached up to fist Leonardo’s hair and opened his mouth further to deepen the kiss. Leonardo pawed at his back, digging his fingers into his shirt (that would unravel if it wasn't dry cleaned and shouldn't be treated this way, except at that time Ezio could not give one gram less of a fuck).

 

Ezio used his fist to drag them apart, so they both separated with one large gulp for air. It would appear that they had both forgotten how to breathe through their nose there for a bit. Pity. He drew Leonardo’s head back and drew his tongue along his throat before biting down on the skin below his jaw, causing the other man to hiss through clenched teeth.

 

“No hickies some place visible, please. I have a reputation to maintain,” Leonardo said.

 

“Alright,” Ezio said, pressing kisses from the shell of the man’s ear to down his throat. Ezio continued, “ _Do_ give me hickies somewhere visible, thanks. I've got a reputation to maintain, too.”

 

“Show me to your bedroom and I will.” Leonardo loosened a hand from its death grip on his shirt and slid it down the back of his trousers, grabbing his ass hard. Ezio let out a sharp breath.

 

“Stop _distracting_ me, then,” he said. He was easily distracted, lightheaded as he was from all the blood rushing down. His dick was already half hard and, pressed together as they were, it felt like Leonardo's was too.

 

Leonardo obediently let go off his ass and let both his hands fall, stepping to the side with an impatient look that said _go on, then._ Ezio walked out of the hall, the other man just a step behind him. The hall lead out to the not-small-but-not-big-either living room. From there it was just a few strides toward the door in the right wall, which he had forgotten to close before leaving earlier. He forgot to close it again when they'd both walked through it, as both of them shifted all of their focus to getting those _damn clothes_ off. Ezio fumbled through stripping down, almost tripping over himself when he took off his trousers—he was too busy staring at the man in front of him.

 

Leonardo’s body wasn’t sculpted like a Roman statue, built like a bodybuilder, or ripped like a Hollywood hero. He was more like a swimmer, slightly toned and slim, almost _too_ thin, even. The freckles clearly didn't stop after his cheeks, either, as his shoulders and chest were littered with them. His chest was flushed, too, as red like his cheeks were. He was also a completely natural blonde, as his glory trail showed. Then he pulled his trousers down and, yep, Ezio was more than half-hard now. And so was Leonardo.

 

He almost forgot to remove his socks before pouncing on the blonde, toppling them both over his bed. He landed on top of him, head on the same level as his collarbone and with his feet dangling over the edge. Leonardo wasn't having it.

 

He flipped them both over, so that he was the one above Ezio. He rose up with his hands on the bed, one on either side of Ezio's head. “This is probably a conversation we should've had earlier, but do you consider yourself to be a bottom or a top?”

 

That was probably the most polite question he had ever gotten while lying naked on his back. “I’m versatile, actually. You?”

 

Leonardo raised a brow, but looked pleased. “As a matter of fact, so am I. The possibilities here are endless.”

 

‘Here’ meaning whatever the fuck (ha) came next, Ezio surmised. “God, I wish. Had I known this would happen beforehand, I would've douched.”

 

“Luckily for us both, I did douche,” Leonard said.

 

He sputtered, pushing himself up to rest on his elbows and Leonardo was forced to sit back on his haunches. “ _What!_ ” He exclaimed. _“_ Before going to an _art_ _gallery?_ How the fuck could you be sure you'd find a shag _there_?!”

 

“I wasn't _sure_ , I'm just always prepared.”

 

Ezio laughed, still in disbelief. He rubbed a hand over his face. _I'm not drunk enough for this._ “Jesus fucking Christ,” he said, more to himself than Leonardo.

 

“I was thinking more _you_ fucking _me_ ,” Leonardo said. “But if you really wanna involve Him I'm open to a threesome.”

 

Ezio felt like the part of his brain that dealt with logic had lit itself on fire and jumped out of a window. Miraculously, his stiffy hadn't died, despite Boy Scout sentiments and allusions to Jesus having sex. Leonardo was _just that attractive_ , he supposed.

 

Really, there was only one proper response he could think of then and there. “Lube’s in the top drawer, there should be some rubbers next to it, too,” he said, waving towards his nightstand.

 

“Planned ahead, I see,” Leonardo said before getting up to grab the essentials. Ezio trailed his path with his gaze, fully taking the opportunity to appreciate the back of him as well. It was a very nice back and not only did he have regular dimples on his face, but so did his ass. Ezio would’ve thought it unfair if it wasn’t for him seeing himself inside it in the immediate future. He noticed a small tattoo on his right hip, too. _Hang on…_

 

“Why do you have a tattoo of Snoopy on your bum?” Ezio asked incredulously. Leonardo sighed and slid the drawer shut, lube and condom wrapper in hand.  

 

“Hip, not bum and yes.” Leonardo had a look on his face that seemed to say that he had gotten that exact question so many times that it was practically routine for him.

 

“Barely on your hip,” Ezio said. “But… why? Why Snoopy?”

 

Leonardo holding lube and a condom in one hand, cock at half mast and expression flat as a bored would have made a comical picture if Ezio wasn’t so confused.

 

“Why _not_ Snoopy?” There was no one good answer to that. “Also before I forget, I’m clean at the moment.”

 

Not the smoothest change of subject he had ever heard, but a welcome one. “I was declared chlamydia free like, a week ago.”

 

“Fantastic, love your timing.” Leonardo hopped onto the bed again and Ezio scooted back towards the headboard so he could comfortably sit on his knees before him. he flipped the lid on the tube of lube open and went to pour some in his hand, but was stopped by Ezio putting up a hand and saying, “Wait”.

 

He leaned up so that he was sitting as well. “Can I eat you out first?” he asked. Leonardo’s dick visibly twitched and he let out a laugh.

 

“God, do you even need to ask? _Yes._ ” He closed the tube and threw it and the condom to the side. “Where do you want me?”

 

“On your back, I want to prepare you while I’m at it. You can use the pillows.”

 

“Alright, scooch so we can switch places.”

 

Forty seconds of maneuvering later, Ezio sat on his knees a bit below where Leonardo laid. Said man was on his back with his knees up and spread wide. His hair was fanned out on a pillow. Ezio quickly pulled off his elastic and tied his hair up high instead, to keep as  much of his fringe out of his eyes as possible.

 

“Don’t hesitate to give me some constructive criticism if my technique is lacking,” Ezio said, laying down on his stomach and resting on his elbows. Leonardo snorted up above him.

 

“It’s analingus, not a thesis.”

 

“It’s an _art form,”_ Ezio sniffed. Leonardo laughed again. That was as good as time as any to grab his hips (ignoring the judging eyes of the cartoon dog) and pull himself closer so he could reach his hole with his tongue. He flicked his tongue out at the rim experimentally, then got bolder and traced it in circles with the tip of his tongue. Leonardo’s thighs shuddered. Ezio continued to lap at the skin around the hole, switching from featherlight touches and circular movements to harder presses with the flat of his tongue over the opening. All the while pressing his fingers into Leonardo’s thighs and feeling every time a lick here, a touch there, caused him to twitch and shudder, every little gasp, every intake of breath. Then Ezio closed his mouth over his ass and pushed his way inside, smiling against skin as Leonardo grabbed at the sheet with clenched fists and his breathing through his teeth in a hiss. He pushed his tongue in as far as he could, then moving it against every part of the walls that he could reach before pulling back, only to push in again. He repeated this again and again, alternating it with playing with Leonardo’s rim whenever he pulled his tongue out. He kept the repetition intentionally uneven, sometimes choosing to do it quickly and sometimes arduously slow, until the blonde _keened._

 

“Use your fingers,” Leonardo gasped. “If my prostate is ignored any longer I’ll go mental.”

 

Ezio huffed a laugh and pulled away, blowing a cold breeze of air against Leonardo’s hole as he did so, laughing again at the stream of curses it caused. He grabbed the bottle of lube and greasing up his index and middle finger before returning to rest between Leonardo’s legs. He kissed his way down from the blonde’s left knee to his ass, where he opted for a playful bite instead. Then he went back to tonguing at Leonardo’s rim as his fingers went inside.Leonardo’s hips bucked and then pressed back down onto his hand as Ezio curled them inside of him, searching for the sweet spot. Finally he felt the bump and pressed down on it with both fingers. Leonardo yelled out and one of his hands flew to grab at Ezio’s hair, pulling roughly. Undeterred (more motivated, if anything) he pressed his tongue inside as well, working the inside of the rim as his fingers rubbed and pushed down on the prostate.

 

Ezio felt his own hardness weigh heavier and heavier between his legs and it became harder to focus as more blood than he felt was possible fled down to his groin. A sheen of sweat had already begun to form and cling to them both as they grew steadily warmer. He felt almost feverish, hot and unfocused as he was. But he was more energised than he had been when they started. The buzz of the champagne that had clung to his mind when they stepped inside his flat had either disappeared, or been pushed so far back by his arousal that he wasn’t bothered by it anymore. Watching Leonardo become unravelled beneath him was so maddening that he believed he might climax from that alone.

 

Leonardo’s breath kept climbing, become more uneven and heaving as he continued. His grip on Ezio’s hair grew lax before falling away completely. What felt like a small eternity later, he gasped out “ _Stop!_ ”. Ezio immediately fell away, withdrawing his mouth and fingers and sitting back on his haunches.

 

“You,” he breathed, “in me. Now.”

 

Ezio scrambled for the condom. He ripped the package open with his teeth, sliding the rubber on him on record time. He leaned over Leonardo, grabbing his hips and aligning himself before his opening.

 

“Ready?” he asked. Leonardo nodded. He put his cockhead to the rim and slowly, slowly, entered. Prepared as the way was, it was still tight enough that he could damage Leonardo if he went on ahead too quickly. Instead he pushed himself in bit by bit, clenching his teeth at the wave of intense pleasure and _need_ that coursed through him. Once he was by the root, he paused for a while to get used to it.

 

Suddenly, Leonardo reached his hands up to grab at Ezio’s shoulder. Before he knew it, he’d flipped them over so that Ezio was the one on his back and Leonardo was seated on top of him. He leaned down, hands still on his shoulders and said right next to his ear, “My turn”. Ezio didn’t have a chance to reply before Leonardo clashed their mouths together. Their noses bumped and their teeth clacked together painfully, but Leonardo immediately pushed his tongue inside and rolled it around Ezio’s. Then he pulled back, Ezio’s lower lip in his teeth before biting down hard enough for him to hiss. He brushed the tip of his tongue against the bite mark almost in apology before pulling back completely. He sat up, back straight, hands steady on the flat of Ezio’s chest—and sat up. Up, up, up, until barely the tip of his cock was inside him, before going down again just as slowly. He repeated this a few times, increasing the speed at which he rolled his hips up and down, until he was at it with full speed. Ezio wasn’t still, he grabbed Leonardo’s ass hard, digging his fingertips in, and thrust upwards every time Leonardo pushed down. They both angled themselves so that his prostate was hit with almost every other thrust, each time sending a bolt of bliss through his body and making him gasp. His cock had began weeping precome from the tip and his hair laid flat against his forehead with sweat. Ezio himself felt the friction, the tight heat of Leonardo, driving him closer to the edge with every buck of their hips and the heat that laid coiled in his belly was getting lower, just as his balls were getting tighter and tighter, drawing themselves up against him. His right hand let go of Leonardo’s cheek, instead going around him to his front. He wrapped it around his cock, using a thumb to spread the precome around to ease the way. Then he started to move his hand up and down. Two minutes later and Leonardo cried out as he came.

 

As he did, his walls became as tight as a vice around Ezio’s cock and he saw stars as the sensations grew even more intense, thrusting upwards quicker even as Leonardo began to slow down. It didn’t take long before he climaxed as well. Leonardo slip up and off of him before ungracefully falling down beside him. They both laid still for a while, coming down from the high and catching their breath. As capability of more than basic thought returned, Ezio was made aware that both his hand and his chest was covered in Leonardo’s come, which would soon become sticky and gross if he didn’t do something about it. But that was a problem for future him, he decided. Exhaustion was beginning to take its hold of him, making it a battle not to let his eyes fall shut. He rolled over on his side, facing Leonardo, who already had his head turned to him.

 

He looked just as weary as he felt, as well as red and all around _done._ He managed a surprisingly gentle smile towards him though, which Ezio responded to with an attempt at a sly grin.

 

“Well done, team,” Leonardo said. Ezio snorted.

 

“Yeah, go teamwork,” he said. “Please don’t disappear on me before sunrise, I still have that brunch planned out.”

 

“Sneaking out is too much effort,” Leonardo joked, then yawned. “Now, I’m gonna go ahead and be unconscious for at least eight hours, if you don’t mind.”

 

“I just might do the same myself.”

 

He smiled again, eyes already beginning to fall shut. “Night, Ezio.”

 

“...Goodnight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Leonardo and Ezio are both 175cm, I repeat, they are the exact same height!! I was gonna write them like standing close to each other and went huh you know what I really don't know who is taller I better google this. A minute later and my brain is mush because I don't know what to do with this situation I really don't except that hhhhhh it takes them no effort at all to kiss because whenever they stand in front of each other the other's mouth is like.... right there! it's right there! How can I live knowing this!


	5. intermission, brought to you by panic! at the disco

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> zero plot, zero sex. lots of plant loving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the fifth rewrite of this chapter and it's unedited, but you've been waiting long enough so eh here you go. i do have a plan for the next chapter, and i finished all my 10h shifts last week at work so i have energy. 
> 
> why haven't i published anything earlier you might ask? or not, probably, but i'll pretend for a min. april-may-june have felt like a year bc so much stuff has happened. short summary: school work, cat failure, friend failure, 18th bday, social life triumph, recovery, going to Calabria, Italy as an exchange student (HELL!!!! HELLLLL!!!!!), the plague i brought back from Italy, work, BROTHA!!
> 
> the benny hill theme is going on a loop in my head.
> 
> BU T YOU GUYS! the da vinci inventions exhibit came to my town and it was the BEST I LOVE LEONARDO SO MUCH! i mean i had no idea that robot designs he made during the f-ing renaissance was used by NASA today???? wtf he's amazing???? also my history teacher formed the entire last half of the semester to be about leo and the world around him during his life and it was so difficult to keep a straight (HAH) face when we talked about his sexuality knowing that i, personally, have written a thousand words of him getting his ass eat. at least he would probably approve. AND my friend found my fics so when we talked about leo's hobbies he raised his hand and said "it's a little known fact that he was incredibly fond of flowers.... and also a man named ez—" which was as far as he got before 356 pages of World History 2 was wrought upon his head.

Ezio began to wake up with his eyes still shut, his mind and body still sluggish. Distantly, he was aware of facts such as that he had hair in his mouth as he had, somewhere along the line, lost his hair elastic; he was laying on his stomach and felt like his skin was glued to the sheets because of the long since dried come, his legs and right arm where freezing as the duvet did not cover them, probably having been hogged in the night (he stored the knowledge of Leonardo being a duvet thief in the back of his head — that would definitely cause conflict sooner or later between them if they would continue to see each other, which he sincerely hoped they would). 

 

His ears were ringing and he briefly wondered if they had gone to a club and he had just forgotten about it, before he realised that the ringing was, in fact, his phone. As the realisation dawned on him, he opened his eyes and pushed himself out of the bed and scrambled to find his underwear in the pile of clothes on the floor and he nearly tripped putting them on. He snatched his furiously vibrating phone from the floor and went over to his door. 

 

Before he exited his bedroom, he spared a look towards his bed, where the duvet had formed a cocoon around the sleeping form of Leonardo. The only sign he was still there was the mussed blonde hair sticking out of the end; how he could breathe in there was anyone’s guess. Ezio wondered if he was a morning person or not — he was leaning towards guessing  _ not.  _

 

Seeing as the ring hadn’t awoken Leonardo, it was unlikely that closing a door would. Still, he pulled it closed as softly as possible. Just because. 

 

The phone was still ringing; the call must be  _ really _ important if the person calling hadn’t hung up already. 

 

_ “Me but worse _ ,” read the display on his phone, accompanied by a picture of Federico in a pair of sunglasses with a plastic dick adorning the middle of them. Ezio sighed and swiped to answer. 

 

“‘Lo,” he said, his voice gruff from sleep. 

 

_ “Ezio, what is the number one rule of our family?” _

 

Ezio pinched the bridge of his nose and struggled not to groan in frustration. 

 

“Good morning to you, too, Federico.”

 

_ “Ezio.” _

 

“Enough money will get you out of everything?”

 

“ _ I will reach out through this phone and slap you. Be serious.” _

 

It just wasn’t in his nature in moments like these. Still, if what Ezio could remember about him blowing Claudia off, he should be grateful that it wasn’t worse. 

 

“Keep your promises.”

 

_ “From what Claudia has told me, you didn’t. Also, what kind of man brings home a one night stand when he has a date the morning after? I thought you were past this.” _ Jesus Christ above, Federico actually sounded worried about Ezio’s virtue. He looked out of the window to see if any pigs had begun to fly. Despite the time his brother got him a prostitute for his birthday, no pigs were taking flight yet. Suspicious, that. 

 

“I met the man I had a date with this morning and we decided, why wait? I honestly don’t know why I didn’t just tell Claudia that, but I was a bit tipsy,” Ezio explained. 

 

_ “And horny, apparently.” _

 

“Just because we both know it doesn’t mean you have to say it.” Federico sighed. 

 

_ “It’s an explanation,”  _ he said,  _ “But not an excuse.” _

 

“I will grovel the appropriate amount later. Do you think a designer dress will be enough to appease her?”

 

_ “As long as you draw it in her style, not yours.” _

 

Ezio tutted. “Don’t take me for an idiot. It’s unworthy of you. I’ll face my mistake and apologise like a man. And  _ then  _ grovel.”

 

_ “She asked me how one goes about excommunicating a member of the family,”  _ Federico said brightly.  _ “Grovel like it’s going out of style.” _

 

“She can’t do that. Literally; we’re not a religious society. I would know, I wanted to do it to our creepy cousin when I was younger. Anyway, I was an asshole but isn’t she overreacting? Just a bit? I’ve done worse things.” A fact he usually didn’t like to remind people of but really, why now of all times? Why be mad  _ now? _

 

Federico paused.  _ “ _ Which  _ creepy cousin?” _

 

“The one who always lets us know that he’s killed a man every time we meet him.” Not explicitly, but not subtly either. Ezio remember being nine years old and said cousin saw him use a butter knife as a fake weapon against a bush and he said something along the lines of ‘ _ you would not be playing war if you had felt another man’s blood on your skin, or watched the life seep out of his eyes’.  _ He was a bit less creepy after Ezio attacked him with said butterknife and he made a  _ very  _ funny noise (to a nine year old), but still.  _ Creepy.  _

 

_ “Oh, him. Al- something. He’s ‘seen things’.” _

 

“Yeah, I can imagine.”

 

_ “I think Claudia’s problem is that she thought you were done with this. These last two years you’ve been, if you don’t mind me saying so… a good person. Is this the part where you say ‘the jig is up! I never actually matured’?” _

 

“Ah, you discovered my master plan,” Ezio deadpanned. “Pretending to be learning from my mistakes and making a life for myself, only to show my true colours by having sex with someone I actually plan on dating. Genius. My next step is to take over Gotham City, or the Tri-state area. Haven’t decided on which, yet.”

 

_ “Better watch out for animal themed agents of justice.” _

 

Ezio snorted, just as the doorbell began to ring. Who in the  _ hell?  _ It was only  _ morning _ , who would be coming by now of all times?

 

“Hold on a mo’, my door’s ringing. I’ll just have to ask Jehova’s or SD to bother my xenophobic neighbour instead, won’t take a minute.”

 

_ “Maybe they’re kids selling mayflowers,”  _ Federico said. 

 

“At—,” Ezio pulled his phone away to check the time as he walked toward his hallway, “—Eight twenty five? On a Sunday?”

 

_ “...yeah, alright.” _

 

The bell sounded again just as Ezio reached the door. “Alright, alright, I’m here.”

 

Ezio opened the door and he had about half a second to register  _ GUN  _ and his ass of a brother before said “gun” squirted water on his chest. His first instinct was to yelp or move away from the cold spray, but he wouldn’t give Federico the satisfaction. They stared each other down as Federico shot another spray at him. Ezio did his best to look as unimpressed as possible. 

 

“Are you done?” He asked, still holding the phone. He could hear his own voice echo from his brother’s. 

 

“Hold on,” Federico said, both directly into his ear and in front of him. He sprayed him again. “Now I’m done.”

 

Ezio sighed, deeply. Then sighed again. He hung up. “This is below your dignity.”

 

“I convinced Claudia to let me come instead. I figured water gun beats actual gun.” His logic was sound, even though he doubted Claudia would ever actually use a gun. She seemed more like a poison person, or a knife behind the ear. 

 

“Where the hell would she get a gun?”  _ From their creepy cousin Al?  _

 

“I’d rather not know.”

 

“Fair enough. Did she ask you to do anything else?”

 

“To warn your date about what an awful human being you are.”

 

That hurt more than the threats of violence had. Ezio swallowed another sigh. “Can I bribe you with Guillermo espresso?”

 

“That Calabrian bullshit? No thank you.” Two beats of silence passed. “Okay, yes. Can I come in before your xenophobic neighbour sees me?”

 

“Sorry, I forgot my manners when you used that gun on me,” Ezio said, stepping aside so Federico could come in, then closed the door behind him. 

 

“Don’t make it sound more dramatic than it was.”

 

Ezio held his hands up in mock surrender. “I promise I’ll never tell anyone about the time I was shot in my own home by my usurper brother carrying out my sister’s act of vengeance. What kind of coffee would you like? And take your shoes off, you animal. This floor is parquet!”

 

Federico rolled his eyes but did remove his shoes. “Cafe  _ normale _ , thanks, I have been up for way too long. It takes forever to get here.”

 

“Just don’t buy a gigantic house outside of town next time, maybe. Also,  _ just call it an espresso _ , you pretentious knob.”

 

“Troia.” 

 

“Hypocrite.”

 

Federico trailed behind him out of the gloom of the unlit hallway and into his kitchen. Ezio then turned to handle his coffee machine and his brother let out a  _ very  _ unmanly shriek. 

 

“My eyes! They burn!”

 

“Now who’s overdramatic?”

 

“This is  _ not  _ the time, Ezio, please for the love of all that is holy go and wash your chest! How are you so casual about this?! It’s bad enough knowing about it, don’t force me to see it!”

 

Oh. Right. The dried… “I honestly forgot about it.”

 

“Fucking go and wash! I can handle a damn coffee machine, just stop…  _ stop _ !”

 

“Alright, just keep your screaming down. I have neighbours.”

“What, don’t you want to confirm your xenophobic neighbour’s stereotypes about loud, obnoxious Italians?”

 

“No, I’m just  _ nice. _ ” 

 

Federico rolled his eyes and Ezio stuck his tongue out before walking off. He didn’t want to leave Federico alone in his flat without supervision, so he only wiped at his chest with a wet towel before going back to the kitchen. Only, Federico wasn’t without supervision. 

 

Leonardo had apparently found one of his more worn shirts and a pair of boxers. His hair looked like a bird’s nest and the shirt looked far too big on him, nearly hanging off one shoulder. He was standing in the entrance to the kitchen, leaning against the kitchen island. Federico had his back turned to them both, too busy with the espresso machine to have noticed the newcomer yet. Leonardo turned his head towards Ezio when he came toward him and smiled. It felt far too natural to slide his arm around Leonardo’s waist and press a kiss to his lips. A triumphant  _ yess!  _ let them know that Federico had successfully turned on the machine. 

 

“Good morning to you too,” said Leonardo. “Are you going to introduce us?”

 

Federico startled at the sound of a voice he didn’t recognise and quickly turned around. He grinned broadly and crossed his arms.

 

“Yeah, Ezio,” he said, then switched to italian, “Aren’t you going to introduce me to your barbie?”

 

Leonardo snorted. “I  _ wish  _ I was as cool as barbie. She’s been an astronaut  _ and  _ was the first female US president, my resume could never compare,” he said, all of it in fluent italian. Ezio’s surprise paled to his sudden want of taking him back to the bedroom. Or even the couch.  “Do you really think being compared to a woman is insulting? Is it barbie in particular you don’t like or are you just a misogynist?” When no response was forthcoming, he only added, “Close your mouth, you look like an idiot.” 

 

Federico’s jaw slowly closed, though his eyes remained wide in surprise. Then he laughed, shaking his head. “This is great. I have so many, many questions, but for now I’m just going to go call Claudia and try to get her off your back. You two smartasses deserve each other. Though I am sorry that I implied being a woman is insulting, and trying to insult you,” he quickly added. “It had more to do with my brother than you, really.” He walked across the kitchen and held his hand out to Leonardo. “I am Federico, Ezio’s older brother. Good to meet you.”

 

Leonardo shook it. “I’m Leonardo. Likewise.”

 

“I can see myself out. Thanks for the coffee, even though I didn’t have any,” Federico said, looking at Ezio. 

 

“I’ll call you,” Ezio said. Federico walked away and was out of the door soon after. 

 

“Does he come here often?” Leonardo asked. 

 

“No, he just wanted to check up on me. Usually I go to him.”

 

“Why?”

 

“He has a bigger house.”

 

Leonardo snorted. “Reasonable.”

 

“So,” Ezio said. “You speak italian like it’s your first language. What’s the story there?”

 

Leonardo pulled a face. “It’s a second date kind of story,” he said. Ezio wanted to press, but could hear a weight to the words which he didn’t want to strain. If it was a second date kind of story, he would find out soon enough.

 

“What now?” Leonardo asked. 

 

“I was planning on taking a shower. Do you want to take one, too?”

 

Leonardo brushed the hair away from his face and stood up more properly, away from the wall. He looked down at his chest, though the mess wasn’t visible with it on. “I should. Though I can’t say that I’m very fond of the idea of putting on yesterday’s crumbled suit, hence my raiding your closet. Sorry about that, by the way. You know, I had a whole outfit planned for today?”

 

“Save it for next time. We’re the same height—you can borrow some clean and non-debauched clothes from me that will probably fit you better,” Ezio said.

 

Leonardo smiled sideways slightly. “Next time? How presumptuous of you.”

 

Ezio smiled right back. “I prefer the word ‘bold’,” he said, taking Leonardo’s hand back to his mouth. He grazed his knuckles with his teeth before taking two fingertips into his mouth, sucking on them lightly. Leonardo swallowed, though his face didn’t change.

 

“How big is your shower?” He asked. His eyes were fixed on Ezio’s mouth.

 

“Big enough.”

 

“To share?”

 

“If I want to.”

 

“And do you?”

 

Ezio leaned forward and kissed him deeper than what was proper for just a “good morning”, putting a hand around his neck. Leonardo’s eyes fell shut. 

 

“Did that answer your question?” Ezio asked after he pulled back.

 

“I think so,” Leonardo said. “Unless you’ve just invented the strangest way to say no.”

 

Ezio laughed. “How could I ever tell you no?”

 

“Oh, I think you’ll manage. It’s a short word, after all, just one syllable. Enough practice and you’ll be saying  _ no  _ in no time.”

 

Ezio raised his brow. “I had no idea you’d be this sassy.”

 

“Having second thoughts?”

 

“No, but we should head for my shower before I take you here and now.”

 

Leonardo pulled a face. “Thanks, I’m sticky enough as it is. And hey look, you said no! I’m proud of you.”

 

“I can and will carry you there if I have to,” Ezio said cheerfully. He didn’t know if he could, since they were the same height, but Leonardo did look skinny. Rather than peeved like many others had, Leonardo looked intrigued. 

 

“I’d like to see you try. Really, I  _ would  _ like to see you try.”

 

Ezio sighed, but the tone of exasperation was ruined by his inability to stop smiling. “Alright, since you did ask.” He put an arm under Leonardo’s knees, using the other his shoulders to lift him. Leonardo made a noise of surprise but otherwise didn’t protest, only wrapping his arms tightly around Ezio’s neck.

 

“Oh my god,” he said lightly, staring at the floor to see that he was, indeed, being  _ carried. _ “You really are stronger than you look. How did I miss this?” He let go with the hand not behind Ezio’s neck to touch his bicep, a look of fascination on his face. Ezio was used to being admired, but this felt more like—scientific curiosity than anything else.

 

“Heavy work, designing clothes,” he quipped. “All that fabric lifting. Takes a toll on you.”

 

Leonardo hummed again, all the while tracing Ezio’s bicep with his fingers. Ezio absolutely did not flex more than necessary just to show off.

 

Ezio took a step into the living room noticed that his blinds were up and so sincerely hoped that no one in the flats across the street noticed the two grown men playing at newlyweds. The blinds being up also meant that his balcony was fully visible, along with all of its greenery. 

 

The sun shone through the glass encased platform and through the leaves of plants hanging from the ceiling by thick string, nestled comfortably in their pots. On the floor stood sturdy tables carrying rows of plants, with the exception of his olive that instead stood on its own, in its very own pot. He had larger plants with longer leaves in his living rooms as well, but those were mostly decoration. His balcony held fresh herbs, chili peppers, his olive tree that hadn’t yet saw fit to sprout a single olive, his precious succulent garden held within a glass bowl (they were the first living things aside from himself that he had allowed to stay in his home) and other curiosa. With the blinds up and the sun out, that is where the eye inevitably went when anyone first stepped foot inside his living room. 

 

Leonardo, head up, was no exception. He let out a gasp of excitement and jumped out of Ezio’s arms, hitting the ground running towards the balcony. Ezio would’ve laughed at the sight of a naked man running towards and coping over his flora if he wasn’t so confused as to  _ what just happened? _ Any how, the shower would probably wait. 

 

Leonardo was taking in his little garden when he walked up to him. He was tracing the leaves of an elephant’s ear as lightly as he had traced Ezio’s bicep, which he should have considered stranger than he did. 

 

“What wonderful friends you have here,” Leonardo said. “And your succulent garden is  _ beautiful _ , it must’ve taken ages to arrange like this.”

 

“The first thing I got was a succulent. I used to drink my morning coffee here, so I put one on the table. Then it grew from there and my sister got me seeds to grow spices and stuff. Cheaper to grow pepper than having to buy it every time I want to use it, y’know?” 

 

“I’ve always wanted a garden, but I can hardly take care of myself as it is,” Leonardo confessed. “I have a pet, but Smidefix lets me know if I haven’t fed her; a plant can’t really yell at me.”

 

Ezio snorted. “I get that. I actually got a plant in the first place as practice for getting a dog. Before moving here I had never even watered my own plant.”

 

“Moving from where? Italy to here, or from another Swedish town?”

 

“From Firenze and immediately to Göteborg,” Ezio said. “It’s a long story.”

 

Leonardo looked bemused, an eyebrow twitching upwards. “I like long stories,” he said. 

 

“It’s a second date kind of story,” he said, mirroring Leonardo’s words.

 

Leonardo crossed his arms over his chest. “I thought the third was when things are generally considered to be serious,” he said, though there was a teasing hint underneath the words. A playfulness Ezio was beginning to find laid curled between much of his words. 

 

“And your story isn’t serious?” Ezio asked.

 

“Oh, it is. I just overshare.”

 

Ezio snorted.  “So, what kind of  _ pet  _ is… Smissyfiss? That phrasing makes it seem like you have a—pet tarantula or something.”

 

Leonardo shuddered. “Oh god no, I would lose a tarantula immediately. I would leave it for a second and poof! it would have disappeared among the chaos on my desk. No, Smidefix is a rat.”

 

“A…” Ezio blinked. “A rat.” Pause. “Really?”

 

“Rats are  _ very  _ intelligent creatures, and sociable. Their bad reputation really isn’t fair.” Leonardo sniffed. He raised his chin like he had said the same thing a dozen times to a dozen doubters, which he probably had. 

 

“I think the plague part has a bit to do with it.”

 

Leonardo rolled his eyes. “A pet rat isn’t the same thing as a sewer rat! Smidefix is adamant about staying clean.”

 

Ezio nodded. “Alright. I’ll try not to judge her until I’ve met her for myself. Never met anyone with a pet rat before, though. Talked to a girl with a hedgehog, but that was a different type of strange. Strange as in something I haven’t heard before, not weird,” he hastily added as Leonardo frowned. 

 

“I’ll show you a picture later, when I’m wearing more clothes and have my phone. You’ll see how adorable she is.”

 

Ezio put his hands up, a smile on his face. “Whatever you say,” he said. “Now, I love to talk but I love to talk when I’m not filthy even more. What say you we get that shower and then go get some avocados?”

 

“Shower sex and avocados,” Leonardo smiled. “I’m in. Are you going to carry me the rest of the way? Those three meters hardly count.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> weird cousin Al, for those of you who haven't guessed: Altaïr.


End file.
